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You are Venom
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Strength, disguise and adrenaline are your greatest weapons. |
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I know, I know, posting quiz results. What is this, MySpace? If you’re going to chide me that I must’ve just come back from 2007, the joke’s on you. This quiz is from 2005.
How I came upon it so deep into the first quarter of the 20th century is too dark a tale to fully reveal, but it all started with a “throwback” sort of day, where I looked back on old ‘net stuff and, as part of that, decided to visit my blog. There did I find a very naive draft from 2016.
The post, which I’ll reproduce here for you to snicker at, dealt with all the dopey things Trump did on the campaign trail, from an attitude that he couldn’t possibly make it all the way, but he’d made it this far … yada yada yada.
It would have been the first post in a year, and the last post in over a year, had I sanded down the edges and posted it. But I didn’t. In fact, this blog has gotten less time and attention from me in the last year or so than Trump has given any of his staffers.
And so I was talking to Sal, my former Spartan Daily compatriot of years back, about my lack of blogging. After all, I had a field day writing my column about what I perceived as the blunders of W back on the paper. Under trump, the blogs should basically write themselves. So what’s wrong with me?
“It’s too much,” Sal, much wiser than I, responded. “You don’t know where to start. No one does.”
It was validating, of course, but perhaps he has a point. Well, he does have a point. He’s one of the pointiest people, for those of you who don’t know.
Of course, if I dedicated enough time and effort, I would, indeed, know where to start. Stephen Colbert has made a killing, and SNL has found that its comic news segment, “Weekend Update,” writes itself, to the point that it can be difficult to discern the punchline from the real, truly weird, self-satirizing events.
There’s a lot of fodder, but it moves quickly. I don’t envy SNL’s current crop of cast and writers, for in the beginning of the news week, you may have one hilarious quip prepared, and by the end of the week, it’s been buried by calamity.
“I now look forward to Arnold Schwarzenegger chiding Trump about matters as simple as, oh, y’know, renouncing support of flippin’ white supremacist groups …”
Sometimes a few minutes is all you need. I parked in a parking structure to visit a friend, and the news on the car radio was awash with details about Trump’s hodgepodge, duct-taped plan for Afghanistan. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, my friend asked if I’d heard the latest about Trump.
“Afghanistan?” I asked.
No. In the time it took me to exit my car and climb a few flights of stairs, Trump had said of the Navy destroyer/oil tanker collision, from which 10 sailors were missing, “That’s too bad.”
Or, remember this week, back in July? Between his weird speech to the boy scouts, driveling on about Sessions, ba
nning transgender folk from the military (or so he thought — apparently, posting a statement on Twitter doesn’t make it so) and the phenomenon that was Scaramucci (remember him?), to commenting that police should indeed treat their suspects more harshly, including “rough rides,” all those pesky laws be damned — where’s the punchline, when the whole damn mess sounds like one?
To think that my last post before this one was criticizing Ted Cruz is now laughable. That Ted believed his own climate change denial merited comparisons between himself and one of history’s great minds (Galileo) then seemed about as dumb as it could get for a presidential candidate. Compared to half the stuff Trump has said, it sounds like Nobel Prize material.
I now look forward to Arnold Schwarzenegger chiding Trump about matters as simple as, oh, y’know, renouncing support of flippin’ white supremacist groups, or, much earlier, offering to switch jobs with him. And, I wasn’t the Governator’s biggest fan, yet I’d do a happy dance if by some miracle Mr. Mom took the chair from Drump (of course, he can’t – he wasn’t born on U.S. soil)
And so, that’s my excuse for not blogging. I wish I could say this is me turning over another leaf, that I’ll be writing more and more, but it isn’t. I’m no Stephen Colbert. I’m Venom.
So here we are, friends. I’ll see you in a few years. Who knows what country will look like by then.
And now, the draft I wrote from the old days. A simpler time. A more innocent America.
Feb. 16, 2016. A simpler time …
“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters,” Donald Trump famously stated last Saturday.
While most candidates would shy away from mentions of first-degree murder as a means of emphasizing the loyalty of his support base, the statement did seem to ring true when uttered.
Since Trump entered the race, he has held a considerable lead —terrifying for many of us, who sit aghast as he warbles “because I say so” utterances in regard to, say, building a nice-looking, not-very-expensive wall over the boarder of Mexico, or a military strategy of simply making ours “so advanced” all other nations will simply cower in fear as opposed to engaging in war.
I can just see what Trump imagines the rest of the world does — all of them sitting at a table labeled, “the foreigners,” having a little meeting.
“Do we attack the U.S. now?”
“Under socialist Obama’s regime, I’d have said yes, but Trump’s advanced MILITARY ROBOTS make us loathe to strike.”
“hear, hear!” responds every nation simultaneously.
I’m digressing. Trump has held his lead in spite of all the dumb crap he says. In fact, when someone says something nice about Trump, usually it has to do with the fact that he does not apologize for or rescind that mentioned dumb crap. Maybe your drunk uncle should run, too.
Telling, however, are the ratings of the recent debate, in which Trump refused to participate because of the ghastly, unfair treatment given him by Fox New’s Megyn Kelly in the media (if you’re a Republican who can’t get Fox on your side, is the rest of the media going to be sympathetic to your circus?).
Predicting that ratings without that Trump charm(tm) would simply Tank, Donald Trump threw a royal hissyfit and, incredibly, opted simply not to participate in the debate, then moving on to a benefit for veterans even leaders of vet groups called a stunt.
Here’s what happened instead: Fox news gained 2 million voters over the last Trump debate.
Of course, I can only guess, but I would suppose this is a result of the attention of real voters. We’re just about late enough in the game to begin considering this a real race for the president, and Trump is still playing party games, saying whatever comes into his head the moment it does so, and threatening to hold his breath unless everyone does as he says.
Meanwhile, other candidates, grown-ups (some more than others), are serious about this shit. It’s not reality TV to the rest of them.
It can’t be easy being Don. Perhaps it’s all a psychosomatic stunt. Trump never wanted to be president, and now is subconsciously nixing his own odds by increasing his quiver of stupid acts and utterances daily. It can’t be fear of living up to all his campaign promises, could it?
Of course not. All he has to do, when elected, is ….
And that’s where I left it. What would I have said next? What’s the point, we’re all going to die anyway.